Corona Guilt

I have had some setbacks in my career and vacation plans because of Coronavirus – a film I have been working on for almost a year is suspended indefinitely, and we may lose funding for it. But for the most part, I am okay. In fact, my husband and I are using this working from home time to travel to a condo on the beach. Our state paused our mortgage payments so we have 3-months without paying our mortgage, even though we haven’t lost our income. My husband had a lot of stock in education technology, which just sold for more than a year of his salary.

I’m trying to allow myself to grieve what I have lost – the trip to France and the film. This has been a process but I have made headway.

But for the most part now, I feel guilty that I am benefiting from this pandemic. I feel bad for my friends and those I don’t know who have lost their jobs. I feel bad for those whose families are not safe, who don’t have health insurance or can’t work from home. I am sad and scared for those who aren’t as fortunate as I am. This doesn’t feel like the first time I have “escaped” the effects of tragedy, and I feel like I’m privileged and out of touch.

But it feels like I have been lucky – and that it won’t last. Like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then I feel like because I am so privileged, and because my privilege might not last, I had better REALLY help now. I feel like I need to go into overdrive to be helpful, to make even more art, to write another screenplay.