Yesterday I sent in a question about finding attraction for my spouse. He lives with us 3 nights a week and lives somewhere else 4 nights. I was committed to doing it, no matter what. It was followed soon after by a conversation where he tells me we must get a divorce because he’s unhappy and the relationship is not meeting his needs. Then he follows up with a text in which I’m meant to solve a personal family issue of his for him.

After a great deal of emotion and thoughts, mighty efforts to remember that all situations are neutral and my pain is a choice and completely created by me, I land on this. It’s 4am and I’ve been up re-reading this month’s workbook, writing what I wish to really internalize and remember, doing a download and model.

“You can go ahead and choose divorce. This is California. You can do it with or without me. I’m choosing to find love for you and to find happiness within the relationship whether it’s in marriage, divorce or something in between. I’m consciously crafting both no matter what.

My need in any relationship is to experience love and happiness, so I’m crafting that genuine experience for myself with you, no matter what.”

I have a road ahead of me and I’m choosing to go all in. For me and for my daughter. And I suppose for her dad too, whatever his responses are.

I anticipate needing support through this. Many lizard voices with things to say. I feel emboldened, determined, empowered and to some extent, confident and strong. I also see anger, frustration, blame, self-pity, grief and sadness.

I’m remembering I can choose sadness that the relationship is in this situation or grief if we do head into divorce, even as I choose to find the love and then happiness. Crazy dichotomy. I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’ll feel or respond, but I’m committed to it.