crisis, relapse, addiction

This morning I woke up to tornado sirens. Although me and my daughter are ok, our city of Nashville isn’t.

I have relapsed (bought cigarettes today) and also in a protracted, painful dialogue with a man who doesn’t have the capacity to love me, but whom I keep giving my power away to. (I sent an email to a man) I am suffering and desperate to feel ok, and can’t seem to find a bottom to feeling the feelings all the way through, though I have made progress.

Been listening to Brooke for several years and doing models. Before her I studied abraham and Byram Katie. Background in 12 step programs for codependency, conditions (that dont serve me) include covert avoidant attachment trauma and disassociative disorder, ptsd, racing thoughts, human-born-on-earth.

I’m supposed to be not smoking, continuing my massive actions towards business goals, and not betraying myself. But instead I am “indulging”, smoking, sick, and incapacitated. so many messy models here. Feeling of being in crisis is probably most practiced in life. Pretty isolated as well. Daughter has myriad syndromes/disabilities (including severe autism/ non verbal, ig of 24 month old, she is 16) , has her own crisis going on right now with an infection from a self-injury.

Noticing how ashamed I am thinking of how I might be perceived as well. I’m a good writer but , I feel like Ive been going hard since I unlocked the scs archives a couple of weeks ago.

The trauma of the tornadoes (check the news for reference. Nashville tornadoes) has kind of town down all my scaffolding of inner reconditioning.

I want you to think I am intelligent .

Just writing this has helped me, and Ill continue to look at it, but also going to be courageous and hit send. (feel of unworthy??)

Ya’ll, Im freaking out.