Critical of me

I’ve been paying more attention to this pattern of being critical of myself. This morning during my writing, I recognized how critical I’m being of how I’m not prioritizing my needs or doing the things I know make me feel better (yoga, eating better, etc). So I asked myself why I’m not doing these things and some heavy thoughts came up: because I don’t want this life. Because I don’t see the point.
I have this belief that it’s too hard and I’ll never be able to have the life that I want- one where I don’t struggle with depression, one where I can be a loving mom, one where I have a successful coaching business. I feel like this is where I keep coming back to, square one. Then I feel sorry for myself, like I don’t have a choice, and I get stuck. Or I believe that there isn’t a point and I feel relief and just float along for a while.
I need help!