Hi there,

During my days I often find myself gritting my teeth and going through my schedule with a sense of effort. This loads the experience of everything I’m doing

There is always some component of overwhelm and resistance.

So, today I took time to be curious about it. Here I list a few models that have A: grit my teeth and salivate, which is what I do. Sorry for being more than one, maybe you get more the sense of the context and you could perhaps choose the one you believe is the central one.

C: 1 h after my lunch. Desire to eat more. [which felt a bit rushed and not careful and nor rewarding]
1. T: I should not have all of this hunger
F: Angry
A: grit & salivate
R: used willpower & created more need to get relief (with food)

2. T: If I ate differently, with trust and care, this desire would not be here
F: pissed
A: grit & salivate
R same as before

One way I interpret this mechanism: when I am pissed and angry, I am turning this anger towards myself, so that the place where I am at becomes not safe, so the grit&salivate becomes a way to rebel to the part of me who is being hard and oppressive. So a way to let myself know going through life in this hostile environment is not sustainable.

3. T: I should not have all of this desire for food now
F: inadequate
A: grit&salivate
R same as before

4. T: Having all of this desire means I could potentially lose control and eat
F: fear (Of me feeling shame disappointment regret if this happened)
A: grit&salivate
R same as before

5. T: I will not let myself skip the workout pre-dinner, so I will feel deprived while doing it
F: Deprived (in advance)
A: grit&salivate
R same as before

What comes up by reading these models, would you have any suggestion to offer me where to put more curiosity, where to start with thought work?

Thanks a lot for your help