Had my 20min session yesterday, and yes, there is sadness, anger that need to be processed. This morning I just gave myself 1 hour, to bring up all the past – felt the pain. (It’s weird that yes my thinking can create my feeling – as this is all 10 years ago. And actually letting the pain come up is not so bad. Yes there are tears. But now 1 hour later I’m still alive). I have the vision for what I want – peace for myself, to stop feeling resentful, and yes eventually unconditional love. But now I am in the “I’m being aware” phase

My brain is going to offer me thoughts – “remember what he did. Remember he doesn’t love you. Remember you want a different dad. Remember you deserve a different Dad. Remember you want a different reality. Remember you want to argue with reality”

C- Dad married a second wife
T- He doesn’t love me
F- Sad
A- Cry. But because sad is so painful to feel, I straight away turn the sadness into anger and suppress the sadness. Be rude to Dad to retaliate. Be unkind to Dad. Be angry, wishing him dead. There was a time a few years ago that I wanted to crash the car and die so Dad feel some pain of losing me. I don’t interact with him. I avoid him.
R- I am proving to myself that he doesn’t love me.

C- Dad married a second wife
T- I want a different reality
F- argumentative
A- I am unkind to Dad. The minimal interaction that I have with Dad I already have my back up, ready to argue with him. I am arguing with reality.
R- Stuck

I am just going to be watching those old thoughts/patterns to come up. and watch it and sit with it and not do anything with it, not reacting from it, but also not changing it. I think that’s all I will manage to do, for now. I can probably even anticipate -” Hi brain, I am going to see my parents – I know my brain will offer me those thoughts and that’s ok. I don’t have to do anything with the thoughts”

Is it ok to anticipate like that?