Dad’s Cremation

In doing tdl today – found myself arguing in my mind about my dad’s cremation. When the topic comes up – I feel persecuted, or thought of as wrong or erroneous, or doing something wrong.

His siblings chose the funeral hime (most expensive – would not have chose it) and they self professed to pay for the expensive (cremation only no service or extras)
Then they went back on their word and decided not to pay for it.
I signed the paper under duress, in a state of shock, not in my right mind – so I put myself on the hook for it. And now its at a debt collector somewhere and I will never ever pay it.

I felt so stupid for signing the paper but the funeral director basically used her body language to tell me she wouldn’t allow me to see my dad’s body if I didn’t sign.

When I think about it all…. feelings of being a victim come up which I don’t want to embody. Feeling of being stupid to sign it. ( I actually think I signed it because my psyche in that moment said seeing dad’s body – most important – the other stuff isn’t important – it’ll be fine) and except for feeling like a big dumbass – it is fine really. There is negative feelings toward my family but it wasn’t a surprise what they did. Its a bummer but no surprise…..

It feels wrong that she, funeral director, used my state of shock and grief to basically withhold my dad’s body w/o the signature. Now – if I had my right mind at the time – I would have said – His siblings stated they would be paying for it – please contact them, do you need their numbers.
Now let me see my dad’s body.

That’s what I wish happened. Instead I feel like a fool. Cuz I know better than to be signing things especially under state of duress.
But Idk….. I just wasn’t in my right mind…. & its not a surprise that his siblings walked on it.

I feel more understanding even now having written this….
T: they think I should pay this.
F: persecuted
A: defend myself out loud to the air or in my mind
R: never really cleaning this up, has been in this place since 2016

T: ahe tricked me and got me to sign it and my family doesn’t give a shit
F: foolish, dumb
A: feel defensive and spin in mind or to myself,
Did do tdl tho, feeling like piece of shit cuz they said so
R: never cleaning this up, feeling persecuted, ?

T: I did the best I could in that situation and wishing I could have done something different just is not honoring that it was my best at the time under those conditions and under those emotions.
F: self caring, self nurturing or soothing
A: to keep this positive dialog going and know its a tender plant to watch over right now. But just keep reminding myself – no I really did my best after traveling from 2000 miles away to see my dads body after he blew his brains out with a 9 mm in a storage unit. I really did my best. And now I have a very palpable don’t sign shit mechanism. Lol
R: rewiring my circuitry on this to be there for me like my family wasn’t and to help myself know in time that I did my best then and wishing I didn’t sign it isn’t kind to the woman who had just found out her dad died.

Thx for any help getting this more cleaned up