Dad’s Cremation

In doing tdl today – I found myself arguing in my mind about my dad’s cremation. When the topic comes up – I feel persecuted, or thought of as wrong or erroneous, or doing something wrong.

His siblings chose the funeral home (most expensive – would not have chosen it) and they self-professed to pay for the expensive (cremation only no service or extras)
Then they went back on their word and decided not to pay for it.
I signed the paper under duress, in a state of shock, not in my right mind – so I put myself on the hook for it. And now it’s at a debt collector somewhere and I will never ever pay it.

I felt so stupid for signing the paper but the funeral director basically used her body language to tell me she wouldn’t allow me to see my dad’s body if I didn’t sign.

When I think about it all…. feelings of being a victim come up which I don’t want to embody. Feeling of being stupid to sign it. ( I actually think I signed it because my psyche at that moment said seeing dad’s body – most important – the other stuff isn’t important – it’ll be fine) and except for feeling like a big dumbass – it is fine really. There are negative feelings toward my family but it wasn’t a surprise what they did. It’s a bummer but no surprise…..

It feels wrong that she, funeral director, used my state of shock and grief to basically withhold my dad’s body w/o the signature. Now – if I had my right mind at the time – I would have said – His siblings stated they would be paying for it – please contact them, do you need their numbers.
Now let me see my dad’s body.

That’s what I wish happened. Instead, I feel like a fool. Cuz I know better than to be signing things especially under a state of duress.
But Idk….. I just wasn’t in my right mind…. & its not a surprise that his siblings walked on it.

I feel more understanding even now having written this…
T: they think I should pay for this.
F: persecuted
A: defend myself out loud to the air or in my mind
R: never really cleaning this up, has been in this place since 2016

T: they tricked me and got me to sign it and my family doesn’t give a shit
F: foolish, dumb
A: feel defensive and spin in mind or to myself,
Did do tdl tho, feeling like a piece of shit cuz they said so
R: never cleaning this up, feeling persecuted, ?

T: I did the best I could in that situation and wishing I could have done something different just is not honoring that it was my best at the time under those conditions and under those emotions.
F: self-caring, self-nurturing or soothing
A: to keep this positive dialog going and know its a tender plant to watch over right now. But just keep reminding myself – no I really did my best after traveling from 2000 miles away to see my dad’s body after he blew his brains out with a 9 mm in a storage unit. I really did my best. And now I have a very palpable don’t sign shit mechanism. Lol
R: rewiring my circuitry on this to be there for me like my family wasn’t and to help myself know in time that I did my best then and wishing I didn’t sign it isn’t kind to the woman who had just found out her dad died.

Thx for any help getting this more cleaned up