I very often feel unsettled, questioning every minute of what I am doing now is the most productive way to spend my time. This doesn’t allow me to relax and I always feel guilty that maybe I should be doing something else. Why aren’t I getting more done? How can I plow through even more work? I am ambitious to a fault; I always have lists of lists of things to do. I am always very busy to the point that I literally never watch tv, do not waste time. I am self employed so there is always a lot to do, but at the same time our business is established enough that I could choose not to to do anything. I could be just enjoying life…. But I can’t relax. And enjoying life how you once talked about it in the hedonistic podcast is absolutely not me. I never get spa treatments, and I feel very guilty spending time on me. And if I make myself do it, I feel like I am buffering. Because I haven’t yet found my purpose in life – on a superficial level I have already achieved a lot – I started with not much, and now I am a successful 40 something year old, have amazing kids, great husband – this is all amazing and I enjoy it but this is not my purpose in life. So I am getting huge anxiety about it, because I really did not think I will be here now not knowing why.
So I am mixing few issues here: the controlling daily emotions. The three emotions that I would love to feel are: excitement, lightness, positive energy- not stressed energy.
Another of my daily feeling is guilt – guilt over not spending time right, still searching, wasting time on activities that do not lead to me contributing to the world.
Finally, how do I find my purpose? I don’t want to settle for anything small, I feel I have a big role to play. How to deal with all this?