Everything was okay with the guy I’m dating until this morning. He brought me coffee and some things really bothered me.
He made some comments about me waking up late. Since I’m already judging myself for it sometimes, of course I got a bit hurt inside.
The urge for me right now is to text him: I get to wake up whenever I want. But I know this is not how I want to show up.
It appears my last 3 boyfriends are all busy man and I felt judge by them when waking up late. Now I’m learning to let go of their idea of what’s right for me. Honestly I know the only problem is only that it bothers me. If it wouldn’t bother me, I wouldn’t even react to it or think about it, or I would answer something very clear about it.  Should I say out loud that I’m gonna wake up whenever I want to or should I work inside of me so this wouldn’t bother me?

The other thing that bothered me is that he is busy this week and we’re not going to intentionally see each other this week. We are gonna meet in the company with friends but that’s not the same. What’s interesting is yesterday I had absolutely different thoughts such as : I’m so busy I want to work on all of my things and do my tasks and I’m worried he’s not gonna be okay with not seeing me. Today it’s the opposite. I’m bothered I guess that he doesn’t want to see me sooner or that he doesn’t set up a date. And when I told him that I won’t be able to see him he suggested we set up a day for next week.
So even though there is a lot of proof for why he cares (he bought coffee and brought up scheduling a date for next week) my brain keeps searching for what is wrong or for how I’m not as important to him.
My urge right now is to get mad, ignore him, come up with some plans on how to make him jealous and want to spend more time with me.
But I know this is not how I want to show up. I know this is my old pattern I’m learning how change now. How I want to react is to give myself full permission to wake up whenever I want to, and if I choose to do it earlier I choose to do it for myself. Let go of all the shame around it. And allow him to have his thoughts about it but not make them mean anything about me. (Still not sure if I should say something?). Regarding seeing each other, gosh I really want to manipulate things so I get to feel special but how I want to handle this is to respect his focus on his work and focus on my life in the meanwhile (and after).
Any insights? I feel like it’s not fully resolved yet but I’m feeling a bit better just by sharing all that and answering myself how do I want to handle it.