I am going to make a very long story short… Just over 6 years ago, I decided to leave my emotionally abusive, narcissistic husband of 15 years (and boss for 6 more) as I could not longer recognize myself or endure the control and daily fear. From birth, I had pretty much single-handedly raised my 2 children on my own with little to no participation on his part — except to make all the decisions. In the 3+ years ahead of my departure, he lived at least 2 weeks of every month in our condo in Florida and I continued to support my 2 children who were both elite athletes (son aged 16 and daughter aged 14, at that time)
A settlement agreement was drawn up very quickly and he used the children as pawns throughout — me, very tired and emotionally exhausted, agreed to poor financial terms and joint custody under the agreement that he would be responsible for all of their expenses. I abandoned the fight over money as I could not bear to see my children suffer.
Fast forward 6+ years and I have not seen or heard from my children in at least 5 years. He has brainwashed them to a point that they will have nothing to do with me. I have received emails from my ex from time to time and mostly they come at a time where he is asking for money and, on the last such attempt, I did not respond in 24 hours — He stated that I proved what kind of person I was and that neither he or the kids would ever speak to me in a million years. I have religiously sent them gift for every holiday and in 6 years have never received an acknowledgement or thank you.
I have kept myself busy in self-preservation for all of this time — acquired a business and worked long hours mostly buffering and distracting myself. But, at least, I remained a productive human at a time I could have just stopped trying.
I am brand new to Scholars and in November, after doing the thought work on emotional balance, my unintentional thought model rendered:
C: My children are alienated
T: I really miss my kids
F: Incredible grief
A: Buffering to not feel it, avoidance and overwork
R: I am not living the life that I am capable of
Feeling: overwhelming grief
My intentional thought model:
C: My children are alienated
T: I want to work hard to be my best possible self
A: Get healthy, build my business, keep learning
R: I am ready to receive them back in my life at whatever point they decide
This was very powerful for me and I am actioning it in every way I can by choosing the Intentional Thought Model and making very positive changes to all aspects of my life.
My question is: Do I continue sending gift and messages every holiday only to be met with nothing? They are now 22 and 20 and all I have is their mobile #s — no address, no email… My thought is to text them a very heartfelt message early in December and let their reactions drive my decision on this. It is an especially painful time of year for me, I just don’t want to add to it with expected hurtful messages from them.