Dealing with Defensiveness Pt. 2


Hi Brooke!

Me again!

I did the work on how what my cousin said made me feel. I have gained so much clarity and laughed at myself many times along the way! Lol
I just have a couple more questions

These are the Unintentional Models I did:
C: Cousin said “No, but he’s my partner and he should understand.”
T: Danielle is wrong. I’m going to teach her something. This is the perfect opportunity to point out that she has a manual for her husband.
F: Convicted
A: Tell Danielle how I feel/ my thoughts/ tell her what to do.
R: Attempt to prove her wrong. Speak with conviction.

What I realized here: Hahahahaha my cousin and I are both very convicted women! I wanted to show Danielle that she has a manual for her husband by wanting her to act according to my manual! Hahahaha And now that I’ve done this model I do think I need to check in with my own intentions when I feel convicted and want to coach people. My default approach is that I want to help people. But I think honestly sometimes my intentions are not 100% honest and pure. My new goal is to be present and let people be who they are and practice empathy. I can see in this model that my motivation was to literally prove Danielle wrong. I listened to your podcast about Challenging Relationships and being okay with being wrong… definitely going to work on the being wrong part. What you said about intimacy tooootally struck a chord with me! I want intimacy in my relationships and I am not willing to sacrifice that just to feel right! And even if I have aaaaalll the evidence that Danielle does have a manual for her husband, that is none of my business!

Another Unintentional Model:
C: Cousins said “–”
T: People getting defensive scared me.
F: (I was going to write protective and as soon as I started writing that in my journal I realized that another word for protective is…… *drum roll please* DEFENSIVE! Hahaha!!!) Defensive
A: Exit the conversation because I don’t like defensiveness- my own defensive energy scares me!
R: React completely out of fear- have no conversation.

This is so funny! In the first model- I felt convicted. In this second model Danielle’s conviction scared me and makes me go into defense mode! Brooke you were right- defensive can not be a fact because its manifests in completely different ways for different people. For me, I run, I exit, I hide. Sometimes it looks like conviction, sometimes it look someone just leaving the conversation.

My realizations here: My goal is to just work on increasing my own empathy for myself and others and to be okay with being wrong. Just being present and accepting.

Here is the frame of my new Intentional Model:

Can you help me with some thoughts to try on here. I just keep wanting to write “Think accepting thoughts. Be accepting. Accept.” But wondering if there is something you suggest that would be more helpful. Thanks!

C: Conversation/ Someone says something
T:
F: Accepting
A:
R: Be super present. Practice listening and empathy.

Thanks Brooke!