Dealing with defiant teenagers

Hi Brooke
I have a 14 year old son that I am struggling with. Every time I ask him to do anything (like chores, helping out, etc) he doesn’t want to and we argue about it. I end up getting angry and eventually he does it after I threaten him but it always seems to be a fight. I put in the model that the thought I want to think is that I am in control. Which should make me feel empowered, set consequences and get some positive results. I find that I still get angry when I set the consequence as he is still being defiant and it is this that bothers me the most. I want to think about him that he is a teenager and it is his job to be defiant but that I have control over it. I am thinking that maybe this is the wrong approach? I know I can not have control over him, but I can have control over what I allow him to do as in priviledges etc.
How can I stop the anger in the moment? It’s super frustrating and I feel like I fail at this every time I try to remain calm and in control.
Any ideas on how to change my thoughts and actions regarding this?
Thanks for your help,
Tracy Van Huizen