Dealng with husband suicide july 2017 after 29 years marriage-Was committing adultery making horrible decisions with our money even though he was a top executive at a bank

Joined to clean up my thinking and have a better relationship with myself, children, and his family. want to be clear on how to use as a model for my circumstance. Please place me with the best coach for 10 minute session. I have always acheived my goals !I have an MBA, was a top sales leader in my 20+ career regardless of product or sales territory ,pd degree with track scholarship, healthy and in terrific shape. I have always told people if you want different you have to do different! I helped Friends lose weight after babies and get in shape for athletic events . How do I apply the model to Clean up my thinking and thus Improve my relationship with myself children and husband side of the family . I had all the appropriate grief counseling and therapy it is my internal thought track that I need to change. My husband cheated on me the last seven years of 29 year marriage I did not know he was having a nervous break down and was depressed when I found out he was having an affair with two different women at the same time. Right after our second child graduated from college in May and our baby graduated from high school and was beginning his freshman year at Boston College. I was the last one with him we had a horrible fight where he finally admitted to his latest six month affair and I told him I was finally divorcing him and how he ruined everything! I broke his favorite picture of us and undecorated the home that I was supposed to move in with him in Florida where he had been relocated for a promotion. Ativan, God, and therapy got me through this horrible situation. In one short year I was able to sell two houses, manage all finances and estate and relocate . I am set for life with financial decisions I have made with my financial planner. I need help with my thinking ,haunted that we fought the last time I saw him. The last thing he said to me is “the decision you are about to make will affect you for the rest of your life”.. I thought he meant divorcing him and had no idea that he was suicidal. After I left the house in Florida to return to my house in Detroit where my youngest had just graduated from high school , he proceeded to shoot himself in the head. His family , friends, and at times our children hold me responsible. I KNOW that I am not !but feel horrible about the last time we were together and cant help but think that if i had not been so angry he would still be alive. I know this is a heavy subject and am strong and healthy emotionally.