To clarify, the words my mom spoke on her deathbed were in regard to my sister stating she had memories of sexual abuse as a child. My mom continues to state this is her only unresolved issue prior to death. She wants my sister to say she was wrong.
For the past 30 years my brother and oldest sister have made it their mission to send my abused sister and I letters and articles to tell us we are crazy and have destroyed our parents and our family. They say the recovered memory movement has been debunked as erroneous and non-scientific by the psychiatric community. 5 yrs ago I couldn’t take their bullying any longer. I told my mom ( in front of my brother) that “I was so sorry and wished I hadn’t said what I said and asked forgiveness for the pain I caused her and my dad”. This was a CYA. I did not say there was no abuse. I was giving them what they wanted to hear because I knew my words would , to them, be interpreted as me saying I believe my father to be innocent. I do not believe he was.
But this tricky statement allowed me to be stating my truth-that I wish I never would have confronted my father about it. I wish I would have gotten help and healed without involving my parents or my older 2 siblings by letting them know I was in therapy for it. It only caused separation in our family, years of depression for my parents and my 2 oldest siblings who weren’t abused. They have made it their life mission to “restore the dignity to my parents that they deserve.”
Tonight my brother wrote to me saying “You have the best relationship with her ( the sister who like me rose issues of childhood abuse). Perhaps she might be willing to listen to you. Maybe you can convince her to admit she was wrong. It seems to be worth one last shot to allow mom to go more peacefully.”
By the way, I also have a sister who completely cut off our whole family when these abuse issues were first being raised. She has been deemed as “mentally ill” by my mother and 2 oldest siblings. Personally, I have gotten past feelings of guilt and shame for being sleazy with my mom and oldest siblings by giving them “a confession of wrong doing.” I did what I needed to do for my own well being moving forward. It got them off my back for the most part.
Now that mom is dying they want me to join them in an attack to force my sister to say she was wrong all these years. I don’t believe she is/was wrong. I am not going to say that in a clear, spelled-out way at this point. Should I just ignore the request and after my mom dies tell them directly I was gaming them to end their bullying? Should I stand in solidarity with my sister and clarify what I really was apologizing for which was my choice to confront my father? Should I try to get them all to join SCS and let Brooke try and straighten them out?😂😂.
Honestly I don’t even know where to begin with a model.
C: Mom and 2 siblings believe I have rescinded my accusations of sexual abuse
T: They can interpret my words in a way that satisfies them
A: ignore their current requests to bully my sister, let my sister fight her own battle with them, continue to do my work in SCS, get on with my life, don’t add drama to the deathbed
R: Accept what is and what will never change and have compassion and love for myself and my family.