I’ve gotten myself in debt with payment plans I’m obligated to pay. I realize I could not pay them and experience the consequences. I’d rather not. But I have done the math for the upcoming year on my current income and realize I have to make more money because I don’t have it, or I have to accept the consequences.

I have a multitude of possibilities for doing this, however I have not been executing on them to see if they even work. I’m swimming in indecision and maybe I want to stay confused because I don’t want to look at what caused me to get into this debt or the fear I have around it. I’m thinking “I shouldn’t have done that”. And of course, my husband agrees with me and is wanting to know how I intend to proceed moving forward and wants to know it’s going to work.

Of course, I can’t tell him for sure anything is going to work. We live abroad and I don’t have permission to work where we live, so I need to work online and get paid in US money. I have not found a remote job that I’ve been accepted at as of yet and have rarely worked for anyone in the past anyway. I have several online business options available.

I feel the pressure to pick the right one and present to my husband how it’s going to work. I feel like I can’t do that. I really won’t know how it’s going to work until I try. I don’t have experience with these things other than business courses I paid for to tell me how to do them, and now it’s implementation and fail time. I don’t know which one is going to “fix it”, though my husband keeps reminding me I can’t “fix it”. I can only go from here because the time to fix it was when I was spending the money I didn’t have and go back in time and not spend it.

I’m doing a lot of time wallowing in despair and desperation. I know this is not the best energy to do anything with. But maybe I just go out there with desperate needy energy and do it anyway? I’ve been trying to make myself feel differently and so far, I’m not there, but I need to take action anyway.

But yet I sit, I buffer, I eat, I think about what I’m going to do, I listen to a course, I listen to self-help and mindset stuff. It’s not getting me anywhere. I’m not taking action. It feels like part of me has given up and I am so ashamed of myself and my bad math and impulse buying. It feels like the debt is insurmountable and this is a disaster that’s going to end my marriage. Even though my husband has said he’s not going to leave me over it, he’s just not happy about it.

Ugh.