Deciding how to have the model help with big decisions.

Why do I want to stay married?
I have been married to a man for 30 years. When we were first married it was a transition and this transition turned into what I now know is manipulating, controlling, gaslighting, and then when we had children his actions intensified. I have come up with reasons he is the way he is and how I am constantly being told how “I just need to be happy” or “why is he the one who is always wrong” (I am always the one apologizing so I don’t understand this one.)

I could continue, but Mohna’s live coaching session was very similar to what I am going through. How can I reach a model where I finally feel neutral and quit telling myself I can’t leave until I make peace with him like Brooke mentions about not leaving until we are okay in the relationship?

C I am married to Him
T I am miserable being around Him
F Repulsed
A I pretend to like him. I bring him breakfast. Ask him how his day is. Tell him he deserves time off. Keep the house clean. Make food and take to him so I don’t see him come up.
R I stay married

I feel like I am close to figuring out the model, but I am missing an important piece.