My understanding is that when choosing to leave a relationship, figure out a part of what’s not working for you and clean up your thinking then put yourself in a position so you can leave with love and gratitude as opposed to reacting to something, or running away from something that’s not working.

I am straddling that teaching versus when a partner shares a dealbreaker. My situation is that after almost a year of dating my boyfriend said he doesn’t know if he can ever live with his partner, and he’s not sure yet if he loves me.

I want to eventually live with my partner and I want to be with somebody who loves me. He said he can’t do more than what we’re doing now and although he’s hopeful for the future he can’t provide any certainty. This happened yesterday and my initial impression is that as painful as it will be I need to end the relationship.

I did a thought download and I have more thoughts than I can list here and although they all have subtle nuances the general theme is – staying in this relationship is postponing your pain and get out before it hurts worse.

C-Kelly said he doesn’t think he can ever live with someone
T- this is a mismatch
F- disappointed
A-leave relationship
R-Single

C-Kelly said he doesn’t think he can live with someone
T- you can’t bank on this changing
F- heartbroken
A-leave relationship
R-Single

C-After 11 months of dating Kelly said he cares deeply but needs more time to know if he could love me
T- If he doesn’t know by now, he isn’t ever going to
F- Heartbroken
A-leave relationship
R-Single

C-After 11 months of dating Kelly said he cares deeply but needs more time to know if he could love me
T- you can’t stay with someone who doesn’t love you
F-Heart broken
A- Leave relationship
S- Single

C-After 11 months of dating Kelly said he cares deeply but needs more time to know if he could love me
T- If I accept this I am abandoning what I want in a relationship
F-Grief
A- leave the relationship
R- Single

As I wrote these models, what now comes up is, I don’t like the result. I don’t want to be single. But my belief is that I can’t change people, the future is uncertain, and continuing to invest time with this man will only lead to heartbreak.

If I get hurt, it’s on me because he told me what he is capable of giving and it’s not what I want. Staying in this is not going to result in the long term relationship I envision. I don’t want to leave, but I believe I have to if I want a partner who loves me and wants to live with me.

But if I take the teaching about cleaning up my thoughts and feelings, and leaving from a place of love and gratitude I don’t think I’m doing that. To me, it looks like I’m afraid of being hurt and running away. I am not coming from a space of gratitude for the joy and fun and sharing I’ve had with this person for the last 11 months.

But at the same time, if it’s clear that it doesn’t work, should I stay longer to get to that space of gratitude?