I am in a relationship and we live together. I have been thinking for some time about leaving, but have thought work for myself first (see my list of thoughts below). I care about my boyfriend and am not certain it’s the right decision to leave. I have loved him, he loves me, I thought for a while that he might be my life partner, and I will keep loving him. But I am growing toward believing he may not be the life partner I desire. He plays video games more often than he spends quality time with me, some of the values that I want in a partner don’t match with his, and I have other people and projects (including myself) that I am focusing on making matter more to me than spending time with him. I’m moving toward the decision but not there.
Also, I have a friend who recently moved back to our home town. I know that I love him. I do not know if he loves me in the same way. I feel like we have value matches regardless. We communicate more often lately and I daydream about him. I don’t want this to confuse my decision about the relationship I am in. Yet I think it could be helping to inform that decision because it might help me see potential want matches that I had forgotten about or ignored.
I am really scared of being alone, without either of them – and I think that this may be the heart of the issue. I feel like I should be okay with me, without a partner.
I feel stuck and scared, and have many thoughts like, “I should be okay alone but I’m not,” “I’ll never find my life partner,” “I’ll be alone the rest of my life,” “I’ll never have my own family,” “I’m a bad partner,” “I’m bad at relationships,” “I’m selfish,” “He’s too good for me,” “I can’t move out because of coronavirus,” “This is not a good time to leave,” “He’ll be devastated and it will be my fault,” “I’ll make a mistake by losing my boyfriend who loves me,” “I’ll leave and be alone,” “I’ll stay and be alone,” “I’ll stay and regret it in 10 years.”
This is too many models! Can you help me focus on which circumstance / thought / feeling / action / result is most important or relevant and one step to take forward so I can move out of this decision debt?
Thank you <3