I am struggling every day to get my thoughts narrowed down to a single model. First of all, I’m not finding many decisions that have created a “significant” result or really much of any result at all. Secondly, I’m finding it hard to pinpoint a single thought for each of these models. We can use my cupcake eating one as an example.

This weekend I chose to eat 3 cupcakes from whole foods one night and one the next day (and almost drove back for more but fell asleep instead). A lot of thoughts led up to me choosing to do that. I think most of all, I just wanted to feel better because I was feeling bad because I couldn’t stop thinking about a recent circumstance that I didn’t like. I haven’t done anything all day. I need energy. I need a break. I want a cupcake. I want to feel better. I’m tired of thinking about this guy. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to do anything. I’m going to buy cupcakes. You (I) shouldn’t do that. You’re on a specific diet. I don’t care. I want to do something fun for me for once. Those cupcakes have things you’re not supposed to eat. I don’t care. One time won’t kill me.

And so on. I’m finding the thoughts that lead up to a decision to be extensive and can’t find what actually made me decide. And then I guess what’s going on is once I “decide,” I’m arguing with myself trying to convince myself out of it if I think it’s not a good choice or am not particularly happy with my reasons for choosing it.

Like, instead of eating cupcakes- I want to be doing whatever it takes to cure my gut health issues, but I guess I believe that sometimes it won’t hurt to go off the diet (which I’ve done a lot of lately) and I think sometimes I also believe I’m going to be stuck with this forever and struggle to convince myself otherwise, therefore it’s not a strong enough argument against the desire to eat the cupcake and “relax” or feel better, instant and very temporary gratification.

Yet, I’m also not finding it creating a significant result. It’s like okay I ate a thing of cupcakes this weekend. I want more, but I’m not going to do that right now. I don’t feel better really and I also don’t feel like I ruined my diet because my gut doesn’t feel totally messed up. And I’m still here with the same feelings as before- a bit of depression, indifference, and hopelessness that I was trying to avoid with cupcakes.