Since I was a young girl I’ve had this fear of being older and single, not married or kids. That was my aunt’s life and for some reason when I saw her growing up I was terrified to become her. I don’t know why that stuck with me so much from such a young age or why I attached to the thought but I realized now at 36 it’s still a fear of mine.
I believe this is still a fear because I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect for men and pressure the men that come into my life for a title or moving the relationship along fast. I have such a goal of getting married and having a family that I have to feel like it will give me something or keep me safe or something, maybe both are true.
I want to not only get rid of this fear that has held me captive for so long but I want to think more powerful and truthful thoughts on purpose. Deep down I have a knowing that I will be ok no matter what because I have survived everything in my life to this point and have been single for long periods and just fine. There is just not a link from deep down knowing to my actions based in fear and negative thoughts.
This morning I started doing a model on it and I’m not only a little stuck on my result but I also feel like I’m not going deep enough to really effect change in this deep rooted fear. Somehow I attach having an enjoyable life or a life worth living to a life with a romantic partner. Those thoughts are gross that I really believe that! Life HAS to be soooo much more than that!
UM
C: Getting older
T: I don’t want to be older and single and alone not married or have a family
F: Terrified
A: Cling to men, hard on self, try to be perfect, manipulate, control things, not enjoying life, make decisions out of fear, anxiety
R: ??
IM
C: Notice the thought “I don’t want to be older and single and alone not married or have a family”
T: I won’t be alone, I have never truly been alone, and if somehow I am I will still be able to live an enjoyable life
F: Hopeful
A: Make decisions in confidence, enjoy life, let go of some control, have peace in my choices, laugh more, appreciate things for what they are or have taught me. Forgive more
R: Live a more true and enjoyable life
I hope that all made sense! Thank you!
