I feel deeply depressed in my relationship. I feel like I’ve been holding it in for so long, avoiding the truth of it. Every day, I am deeply unsatisfied and try to pretend that I am not. I’m kind of mixing models below, but it’s what I’ve got today, and it’s better than nothing.
C: Relationship with boyfriend
T: I’m not good enough to be with him. (Tone: Not like “I’m not good enough,” it’s more like, he’s too good for me and I don’t deserve to be with him/inherently undeserving to be in this family.)
• Avoid spending time with him 1:1
• Buffer by creating overwhelm in my business and home so that I can use that as an excuse to not be intimate and connect with him (Example: cooking dinner in the evenings and him trying to tell me about his day, I instead of listening, say hey i’m really trying to focus on cooking dinner, I’ve got like 5 things going on at once, and that’s his hint to stop talking to me)
• Steer conversations away from things that remind me of my T
• Disconnect from him emotionally, not emotionally connect with him
• Avoid his friends and family
• Tell myself “he’s lying” when he says I love you, (also partly because I don’t think he has ever once said ILY without me having been the first one to say it)
• Begrudgingly attend his family and friends gatherings/dinners/get togethers
• Make excuses to avoid having to go to his family functions (like, can we not stay super long at this dinner, I have to get back tonight to wash my hair)
• Overcompensate by trying to appear perfect + flawless + worthy/good enough (in front of his friends and family) by cooking delicious, impressive, and elaborate meals, never letting them see the house be messy/unkept
• Compare myself to his brother’s wives (who were also women who married into this family), judge myself and them
• Overcompensate for unworthiness by taking care of this farmhouse I live in with him at my own expense (over-decluttering, over-organizing, and over-cleaning when I should be working)
• Avoid looking him directly in the eyes for more than just a moment
• Secretly get my ducks in a row in case/when he inevitably dumps me and I have to move out (we both live in his house)
• Tell myself it’s only a matter of time until he can’t take it anymore and dumps me
• Worry about what I’ll have to do if he dumps me and I have to move out (ex: mentally prepare ahead of time for having to move back in with my dad, worry about how I’ll afford groceries)
• Avoid talking about marriage, our relationship in general, our future as a couple
• Avoid telling people he’s my boyfriend (for some reason, I have a hard time saying boyfriend, like I avoid that particular word)
• Don’t put intentional effort into “dating” him (going on dates/doing things with him, even just at home)
• He’s an afterthought in my new year’s goal planning/like I didn’t even consider him/goals I have for this relationship
• Not allow my items in this house to be unorganized, because I’m secretly prepping for if he dumps me, then I’ll be able to gather my things quickly, quietly, and painlessly, and be out of here in a jiff, like as if I was never here
• Avoid telling people we live together, ESPECIALLY if he is there, (we’ve lived together for almost 2 years at this point) like I never fully accepted we live together.
• Refer to this house we both live in not as “our house”, but use language like “the house, the farmhouse, etc”
• Tell him he doesn’t really have to buy me anything for Christmas or my Birthday (my birthday is this Friday), and tell him we don’t really have to do anything for my birthday (sidenote: I do this, and then I’m disappointed by what he got me, and then shocked that I’m disappointed that he didn’t do anything elaborate, but I digress)
• I don’t share details of my life with him – like sharing how my day went, what I’m feeling, etc. I keep everything very surface level.
• I people please him by lying and saying his hair looks fine even though it’s balding and the truth is that I actually think it looks horrible, I avoid disagreeing with him at all costs, even if it’s over something insignificant like if we liked a tv show, pretend to like things he likes even if I don’t really like it or care
• Buffer with housework so that I have an excuse to not have sex with him (ope sorry we can’t, I have to do the dishes, type of thing)
• I discount the thoughtfulness that he probably did actually put into my Christmas gifts
• I’m probably not seeing/I’m probably ignoring a lot of the things he does that are his A’s of showing love toward me, snuggles, hugs, thoughtfulness, etc.
R: I push him away? (By basically not being with him, even if it’s just mentally.)
I recognize that this could have a more specific C, and therefore, would clean up the A’s. I basically brain dumped into the A-line, and will continue to try to make sense of it.