Hi Brooke-

I love my husband very much but we have different personalities when it comes to work. I’m a fiery self-starter and he is more of day-to-day manager. In the past year, we started a real estate investing business together and have faced many obstacles. Ever since we started, I feel like he wants to back out due to fear. When I confront him, he says he is committed but his actions prove otherwise. He avoids working on it and I feel overwhelmed by the idea of taking it all on myself. I’ve offered a million times to let him out of it if he doesn’t truly want to do it but he refuses.

The entire situation is indicative of the way he approaches life- neither here nor there. He won’t push forward and try new things nor will he allow himself to be happy with the status quo. After many years of this, I have a hair trigger that is set off when he starts to get negative (which happens every 2-3 weeks). I get angry and see no solution other than to separate from him, which I don’t want to do because I love him. But I end up feeling like his energy drags me down and sucks up my energy, distracting me from doing what I want to do. I desperately want to take my thoughts, feelings and energy back into my own hands. I’ve done a ton of models on this and all the different facets of this dynamic but I can’t find my way out of these thoughts.

Here is a general model I have for the situation:

C- My husband and I are partners in life
T- I want to try new business opportunities as a team, he is fearful and waivers in his commitment level and work ethic
F- Anger and frustration at being let down repeatedly by my partner who I want to be with
A- Try to engage him, talk to him about what needs to be done or quit and drop down to his level of commitment
R- Spinning our wheels, moving very slowly

I don’t even know where to start on a new model because the feeling I want is to be committed to creating a new life together and working hard to achieve it. That doesn’t feel like it’s in my control. In the past I have been the earner and the buoy and I ended up feeling betrayed (he works for his family business and they basically took our retirement money and used it foolishly) I don’t want to do all the work while he coasts but I know I would be doing all my work anyway even if we weren’t together. This whole pattern of thinking feels like a needless distraction but I don’t know how to think to get out of it. Any insight you can provide would be very much appreciated.