My husband and I both have been in a pattern of defensiveness. It appears we both like to be right. I thought I had to hang on to power in order to stand up for myself but after my coaching call am going to try to say:
You could be right
Yes, I feel like that about myself sometimes too
Interesting

It is so tempting to make it a teachable moment for my husband. He pointed out something I did that annoyed him and we ended up bickering. I spent the last hour pointing out the things he said he would do and did not do and showing him that he also does not follow through. After this exercise I said to him. See we both do things that the other does not like. Let’s drop it now and realize we are both different. I will do things you don’t like but that is me. You will do things I don’t like and that is you. He appeared to get it.
I think I did this in a state of love and not payback because as teachers which we both are we both go into teacher mode. I modelled accepting his lack of follow through in an attempt to show how I could show up and I am thinking I did so now in an attempt to control.
When you want things to run smoothly in a marriage I think you need to discuss what is not working. I would like to believe that this modelling I did served a purpose for me as it felt reasonable. It also will allow us to move forward realizing that we both are adults and can do what we want.