Depressed post vacation

It’s my final night of my week-long vacation and I feel so terrible. I feel like all the progress I made on my food mindset, protocol, and weight loss has gone out the window. I am so discouraged because I did SO much work in the four weeks prior, to prepare. I even had a vacation protocol that felt generous but still controlled. And I have no excuse. Nobody was forcing me to eat anything. But being surrounded by all the endless breads, sweets, chocolates, chips and ice cream and over the week my resolve just melted.

I have betrayed myself— I can’t even look at my thoughtfully filled-out weight loss workbook, full of all my brilliance about how “this time will be different.” It makes me feel such a distrust in myself.

So I caved to the foods with thoughts like:: “you look great, it’s just one week. How much damage can you do in a week?”“My slim sister can eat all this.” “It’s just a small bite.” “It’s one week to just relax.” “Sourdough whole-wheat farmer’s market bread is healthy, why are you being so precious about it?” “You’re out of fat-burning mode anyway—might as well enjoy some treats before Monday.”

I also let myself get “confused” with thoughts like — “how on earth can I possibly know for ME the best way to eat to actually lose weight?” And I could feel myself indulging in the endless rabbit hole of obsession around diet plans, recipes, and food obsession.

It brought tears to my eyes when Brooke asked the scholar on the coaching call : “if we weren’t talking about your binging, what would we be talking about, why else would you call me?” Because I realized I don’t know who I am without the food and diet obsession. I know it has been a HUGE multi-decade distraction for me from my real purpose. My true purpose, which is to be a powerful creator. To create, instead of consume. To decide and make, instead of indulge in confusion and hang back and keep silent.

I am sad that I keep clinging to the behaviours that make me stagnate, and keep me from creating. And I am sad because I thought I was DONE with this noise (“thank you, that-part-of-my-brain, you’ve had your turn. Powerful Creator Self is now up at bat.”)

How can I trust myself again, after letting myself down this week? How can drop the VERY loud voices in my head that want to endlessly argue with me about my protocol? I’m just feeling so disempowered. Disgusted in myself and so far from my goal of self-love. I suppose this will all sound so self-pitying. But I think it goes beyond self-pity to self-loathing. I’m sharing