I have unearthed a belief – I would prefer not to have! – that I deserve pain. In my thoughtwork I’ve tried to explore why. I don’t think I’ve done anything particularly ‘bad’ in my life. My best guess is that I experienced physical pain (chronic migraine) and emotional pain over the years and my brain connected pain with I must deserve it because I’m not good enough. Maybe it helped me make sense of things.
If I believe I deserve pain I assume that’s what I’ll keep creating. And yet my brain seems to be gripping tight to it. This is the model I’ve come up with:
C: I experience pain
T: I’m deserving of pain
A: withdraw, accept, don’t fight it, not entitled to anything different, be in the pain, don’t let myself believe in anything different
R: pain without resistance?
Perhaps this belief has helped me accept and allow pain? I’m afraid to believe I deserve anything different because I anticipate disappointment.
It’s not logical but this thought just feels so true. Can you help me with some suggestions for where to go from here?