Deservingness and Shame


I frequently find the T – “I don’t deserve” and F – “shame” in my models. When I sit down to do the work, I’m done in 5 minutes. It’s so easy to come up with an intentional thought pattern and realize the stinking thinking in my unintentional thought pattern. It’s so easy and this is something I’ve struggled with for so long that I think I must be doing it wrong. Please advise on the following:

Unintentional
C – Message left from FEMA rep to call them
T – I don’t deserve FEMA funds
F – Shame
A – Don’t call back. Think things to beat myself up – stupid, opportunistic, selfish. Tell myself: “Who do you think you are?”
R – Don’t get FEMA funds

Intentional
C – Message left from FEMA rep to call them
T – I deserve FEMA funds as much as anybody else
F – Hopeful
A – Call FEMA back, see what he has to say before creating a bunch of thoughts that lead me to feel shame, realize he is just gathering information, engage in some jokes and laughter with rep, it’s an enjoyable experience even if I don’t get any money
R – I might get FEMA funds.

I think one opportunity is being able to remove the “as much as anybody else” but right now I’m comfortable with that and not as comfortable with deserving just because I’m me. What else?