Deuil


My grandmother died last Sunday.  Since then I have the impression of doing a bit of anything!  I am no longer in control of my life!  I have disorderly actions, I eat anything, I want one thing and do the opposite. In short, I lose control and feel even more depressed and messy.  What I want is to regain my zest for life, my motivation to pursue my goals, my ability to decide and my ability to act in a way that is good for me.

My thinking downloads are:
I lost my grandmother, I miss her, I miss our rituals, I miss our conversations, I miss the strength that I drew in her, she supported me so much without knowing it, I am losing a pillar of my life.
I have to recover, life goes on, I’m not going to let myself go like this, I have to decide to continue my way, without her.  I alternate feelings of fatigue, overwhelmed, sadness, anger, defeat, abandonment—all those emotions that do not lead me to beneficial actions and results.  Since my actions are not beneficial, should I not accept to spread myself into inactivity and simply feel my grief and decide to come out of this lethargy of mourning on a specific date?

I’m lost, I can’t find the motivation and I hate myself like this. I want to be strong and I want to be sad but not too much and not so long. I want to fully accept the death of my grandmother. It is ok to be sad but I want moving forward.  The little things that don’t work, bring in me thoughts like I don’t want to bother right now, and a feeling of big annoyance. I’m too lazy to take care of the little things in my life, I prefer to stuff myself with chocolates and waste my time dabbing and the result is that I procrastinate and that I will be even more bothered tomorrow with these little things because I know they are not going to disappear.  How can I change the situation and find motivation and love to change this result?