I was diagnosed with Autism a few months ago. At first I had a lot of thoughts like, “this is a relief” “life makes sense” and “now I know how to better support myself”.

However I’m beginning to have other thoughts and I’m questioning whether or not I’m using my diagnosis as an excuse in certain situations, specifically deciding to not further pursue coaching as a career and also to not participate in social situations.

My main troubling thoughts are “I really don’t understand most people.” And “I’m tired of trying to be understood.”

Previous to diagnosis I kept trying to make myself normal for decades and kept trying to fix what I perceived as wrong about me. Now I feel like there’s a missing piece that’s been filled in and I no longer have to do that. However, I find myself more and more withdrawing into a “me vs. them” place. Like I can’t help them. I can’t hang out with them, I can’t fit in with them. I’m not going to try anymore.

I do feel good about not currently pursuing coaching anymore and moving into writing, and I think I like my reasons. But when it comes to cutting myself off from people in general, I’m not liking those reasons.

C: diagnosed with autism
T: I’m can’t relate to other people
F: Freakish (is that a feeling?)
A: withdraw. Stay at home. Have husband do the shopping. Feel resentful of “normal” people.
R: I relate to no one.

I suppose another poison thought is, “I wish this had happened 30 years ago. My life would have been so much easier.” Granted, I have no way of knowing if that’s true, it very well could have been worse, but brain says otherwise. Brain also sometimes says, “this sucks. Life is harder for people like me.” Also probably not necessarily true. I have a lot of neat perks in my life, but when I think the thoughts about life being harder for me, I stop seeing the perks and only see the difficulties.