Didn’t show up for the interview

I had an interview with a podcast host and we had scheduled a timing for the call. However, I did not show up for the call and totally ghosted the host.

The interview was at 1:45 am at night due to time difference which I believe she didn’t know about. I said yes to the time she allocated.
I also set an alarm to wake up at 12 am at night to prepare for the interview and join.

Alarm clock went on and I just turned it off. I told myself, “I will skip this. I don’t want to wake up at night to work on my business. I don’t want to wake up. I need sleep.”

And within seconds fell back to sleep. It’s morning time now and I feel so guilty and ashamed. I just feel like I am not showing up as the person that I want to show up as. I shouldn’t have booked the interview. And if I did book the interview, I should have attended it. I just feel like this was not right for the host because she was waiting and she was prepared. I feel really irresponsible and I didn’t create a good impression for her.

Yeah its not about the impression. Its about the person I wanted to show up as. I want to give value and contribution and always show up for the call.

I just feel kind of out of integrity with myself. And I also feel bad because I keep turning down opportunities like this. Or that I am not respecting my podcast host. I’ll never know if I could have signed clients if I had done the podcast. I’ll never know what new options would have been available for me if I had done that.

But in that moment, I was like fuck it. This won’t matter. I want to sleep.

I don’t want to shame myself or beat myself up for what I did, nor do I see this was a good choice for me.
I don’t want to beat myself up, nor do I want to tell myself that this action is okay.