This led me to finally sign up for self coaching scholars so today is my first day after listening to all the podcasts. So grateful to be here!

My boyfriend (30yo) and I (27yo) have been dating a year and a half and I am finishing my PhD next Spring. At the very beginning of our relationship he wanted to exclusively date one another and I wasn’t ready for that yet. When I told him this, I was so impressed by his answer that it was hard to hear but that was his own work and he didn’t expect me to change. I thought that was so mature and I had so much respect for it and loved the dates we were going on together and after just a few more weeks I fell for him and made it official. We have been happily dating and enjoying one another since and I love what we are building together. The connection is strong and we are both dedicated to our own growth and therapy, on our own and someone we see as a couple. I am looking forward to building a future with him and want to prepare for next year when I finish my PhD. He talks about the same long term goals as me, living together and marriage, building a life with a partner, etc, but he has said a few times that he doesn’t know when he will feel ready to move in together. I am having difficulty with the uncertainly and asked if he thinks he will be ready to move in together in a year (when I graduate and will be moving out of my current place). He didn’t know and didn’t want to promise something and go back on it so I asked for his best guess at a timeline of when he might know and he answered “if I had to say something maybe 8-18 months?” I noticed I was upset and worried by this answer because I know he wants to live together for a few years before getting engaged, and I personally would be ready to move in together or get engaged today. Waiting a year already feels like being patient, so holding space for his uncertainty that in a year he may still not be ready is really challenging. I want to be planning my next steps like career and location with him in mind because I really value what we have built and his actions everyday show that he does too. He calls whenever he has breaks in his workday to say how much he loves me, he listens to feedback I give an incorporates it in his actions, he spends time with my family and invites me out with his family and friends, he listens compassionately when I am going through a hard time. He is also really independent though and loves the life he has built for himself and talks often about working to become a strong empowered couple. I struggle with anxiety and codependency and have been getting professional help in these areas since before we started dating, I have made huge strides but recognize there’s still a lot of my own personal work to be done.

Unintentional model:
C: We are living separately, he is not ready to move in together
T: He doesn’t see a future with me as his partner/is unsure about me
F: Sad, unworthy, hurt
A: I keep bringing it up in conversation, make passive aggressive comments about commitment
R: Drive him away further because of the pressure

*pause for compassion for myself. Sweet girl I know you love deeply and want to grow together because you see so much potential here. This is hard. What matters the most is that I am at peace with myself, the rest will follow.

Intentional model
C: We are living separately, he is not ready to move in together
T: It is my work to understand this hurt I am feeling (bridge thought to eventually get me to “I am at peace with myself” my 90 day goal)
F: Empowered, Motivated, Open
A: Learn about my loneliness, fears, sense of abandonment, self worth doubts with mind/emotion management and self-coaching
R: I become more of who I want to be. I respect myself while creating space for someone I love, I stay open to different futures and possibilities beyond what I can imagine now

I want to take all that energy I was putting into thinking about why he might not be ready, and invest it in building myself into the woman I want to be. My question is as someone with anxious attachment how can I create this space for my partner in a healthy way while being true to myself and my needs? What issues do you see with my model? If I’m already on the right path, what am I missing? Thank you!