Today, I noticed a feeling/thought that has been unconsciously buzzing for the last 3 years or so (probably longer than that). But I can’t put my finger exactly on it to make a model to work through.
I have some challenges in my thoughts and beliefs about my story when it comes to differentiating or separating myself from what I do.
To give some context, I scaled back from my career as a physician to be a SAHM. I go into work on occasion to keep my credentialing current just in case I go back to working part-time or full-time when my 2.5 year old gets older. That was a very tough decision because I felt that my co-workers judged me. *Shoot, I judged me!* It was the big “water cooler” gossip at work when I made that decision. Some supported me. Others were not as supportive. I worried that I was walking away from something that I had worked so hard to become. That I was throwing away my career. So on and so forth.
I have noticed that when people ask me what I do or say, “Tell me about yourself” — In the past, I tend to include my career. I have always been very achievement-oriented and very driven, traits that served me well in getting through medical school and residency. I say, “Well, I work at ___. I’m a ___., etc.”
I recently listened to the LCS Podcast Ep#49. Brooke was discussing separating our identity (“what we are”) from something like our job (“what we do”). It’s still ruminating in my head as I’m trying to understand the concept.
I’m having challenges working out a model on this. I guess it came up especially today when someone I hadn’t seen in a long while asked me what I was up to.
And then… I felt this sense of guilt… thinking that I feel guilty for having the privilege to be a SAHM… that I’m not as a good at being a SAHM as others… thinking that I’m not a true physician because I don’t work as much as other physicians… etc etc etc… *mental tailspin ensues* — It’s not quite as dramatic as it sounds. It’s more of a subconscious buzz… like a fly that keeps buzzing around my head, but I can’t get it quite away from head.
If I’m not what I do, Who am I, then??
Would the statement: “I am a SAHM / physician working PRN.” be appropriately placed in the Circumstance line?
Perhaps you could help me with figuring out a model here as well.
Thanks so much! This month has brought up thoughts about myself that I didn’t realize had been buzzing around my brain for quite some time.