difficult thoughts

I’ve tried to ask this question a few times, but in the past end up deleting it instead of clicking submit. I have this story with lots of drama about my work. In the past, I used fear based thoughts to drive my actions and work late, up through the night to complete things. Eventually the self-loathing wasn’t quite enough or just so painful that it seemed better to inflict physical wounds with cutting. The bad thoughts also lead to suicidal obsessions, and I still have these thoughts and intense emotions but stop myself from action by writing about them and clinging to my husband. It so crazy to me because I only have these thoughts when working on one specific area of my life. I really want to change the C line, but I also realize that this is how I evolve and grow.
My question is do I try and ignore these thoughts, which seems like resistance and sometimes they get more intense? Maybe the purpose for my work shifts from the goal (graduate) to I want to work despite or with the emotion. Right now I think that I’m jumbled between trying to manage my mind to process the thought and then get to work. When I try to focus on work during period of intense emotion, it is very much like trying to hold the beach ball underwater. It takes all of my energy to keep it at bay. Then I’m exhausted with little work accomplished, which I often have critical thoughts.