I’m trying to work with models to change my thoughts about dating people who are dating other people. Over the past couple of years since my divorce, where my husband kept all manner of secrets from me, did not cut off contact with his former lovers, didn’t live with me and reneged on his commitment to have children and lied to me about why we couldn’t live together, it’s been really hard for me to trust again. I’ve been having trouble meeting men that I find attractive or have thoughts that lead to feelings of attraction. When I do meet men that I find attractive, they back away from me because I get so excited and tell me they are dating other people. They still come and go according to their whims and I try to not have negative thoughts about this behavior because it seems like so many people in the dating game are up to this these days, including me. I just feel disposable and like I’m waiting to get cut from the lineup all the time, so whenever I hear that a person is dating someone else, I sort of disengage from the dating process. I don’t feel special and like the man wants to get to know me, so I sort of begin a slow fade from the dating process. This happens a lot. My options are to get comfortable or at least neutral about this behavior or to remain alone. I feel like I have to shift my thoughts about these circumstances that I’m not a huge fan of, otherwise I just sit at home and achieve nothing in my dating life. I don’t know what I want to do. Basically, I’m trapped in scarcity thinking about the men out there and feel like the ones who are available I’m not super attracted to. I have all the typical dating problems and feel so bored of myself. I’ve met men who are available to me who I’m not very attracted to. Ironically, I want the men who aren’t as available to me to be attracted to me. I guess I need the validation.
I had recently met a man I was really excited about who would confide in me about himself and suddenly disappear on me for weeks at a time, only to resurface again and begin deep contact again. He was not keen on making plans to see me.
C: Man re-initiates contact after having not been in contact for three weeks to tell me he saw a woman 4 times who did not return his interest and then stopped calling him.
T: I really wish he would stop treating me like I’m his long lost therapist.
A: Seethe inside about how someone could be so self-centered and inconsiderate of my feelings, wonder why he even thinks it’s appropriate to contact me, wonder why he’d come back to tell me something like this, wonder why he would think I’d be into him after him telling me that he basically stopped talking to me so he could see someone else, get angry, tell him off, disengage from further contact, think about how this is a situation I run into with dating a lot
R: End up pissed off and alone.
T: If I don’t find a way to be okay with this, I will never be able to leave the house to go on a date.
A: Try to do thought work on how to not feel threatened by revelations about men dating multiple women, do work on my insecurity, don’t enjoy the time together, look for ways that I’m going to lose out, try to be understanding and open to men who are doing this.
R: Feel miserable about the dating process and hate it.
A: Stay self-possessed and in control of my own thoughts and feelings, continue to date or not date if I don’t want to, feel like my other more available options are just as attractive.
R: Have an easier time with the ups and downs of dating and continue dating even though the process isn’t that pleasant.
I’m having such a hard time staying motivated with dating. After going out with/talking to hundreds of guys, I’m running out of motivation to keep the massive action going because something in my thinking isn’t working. Thoughts like: Dating is really fun, learning about what I want is fun, men are fun aren’t working for me. I just don’t believe them at all. I don’t enjoy the process of dating. For me, it’s fraught with disappointing surprises. I want a relationship, but with my current thoughts, I’m nowhere near getting one. I’m trying to release expectations by doing Manual work on people. Sometimes I get to neutral with some of the behavior I don’t like in dating, but I’m never getting to a positive feeling with it, which makes me not want to date because I know that my thinking will screw everything up anyway.