Disappointed in Self

I feel like I have a lot of negative brain chatter in my head.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I hate him and his touch repulsed me for 3 years. Leaving him brought minor relief. Then, I relocated to a city that I now hate. I moved in with a friend and her dog, who I have also come to hate.

I’ve gained 15lbs. My debt keeps growing instead of lowering, and my credit score has dropped 50 points.

I am so tired every single day. It’s hard for me to even get out of bed. Life feels miserable. I hate everything and everyone. I have no purpose. I have no motivation to do anything but sleep.

I feel out of control. I know this is because my mind is a mess. To be honest, I just feel like I don’t have a grip on my own life or mind and I really don’t know where to start. I honestly don’t even know if I *want* to start because it all seems completely and utterly pointless.

I find being told, “It’s just your thoughts” to be unbelievably rude. It makes it seem as if my experience is invalid or somehow not real, since we are not our thoughts. But it all feels very real to me.

I sleep. I cry. I hate myself and my circumstances. Nothing interests me.

I don’t want to feel better about this new city. It sucks and I don’t want to love it. I don’t want to excuse my roommate’s poor behavior and I certainly don’t want to ever feel neutral or positive about her disgusting dog. I don’t want to change who I am. I want to like and dislike things even if it makes me feel like shit because I don’t want to be any different than who I am. I’m really not willing to let go of certain thoughts. I realize this is quite stubborn.

I don’t want to feel calm about having so much debt. I don’t want to feel neutral about my credit score or that my body has this much fat on it.

I just don’t see the point in anything anymore.

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar depression by multiple doctors. A part of me just wonders if this is a “low” and I will come out of it soon. I know you’re not doctors and can’t speak to this. But sometimes I think I lean on the diagnosis to just be complacent and sleep through the low until I get back to the neutral, then manic, then back to depression. The cycle is not fun. I’m wondering if I (when not experiencing a “low”) should come up with some sort of game plan for the next time this happens. I feel like it steals months of my life at a time.