Divorce and mourning


My husband and I are getting divorced.

Problem is: Even though I know that we are no longer compatible, that he doesn’t love me anymore – and in a way I don’t either (not like before), even if I can see that things about him (tantrums, insults, lack of respect…) have always bothered me but I wanted to turn a blind eye out of love, fidelity to the idea of marriage, faith in our reunited family, etc… I am suffering a lot and I miss him.

I find it very hard to “let go.” I think deep down that if he came back, it wouldn’t work, we’d be unhappy and fighting and the kids wouldn’t benefit that much, but I’m like desperate anyway. Makes no sense. I think about our past, our beautiful moments, our happiness, our memories, our love, the birth of our children, everything that died and that I thought would last a lifetime… I can’t accept that this man is in a sense no longer my husband as I wanted and loved him. I find it hard to say goodbye to my dreams of happily ever after.

Also I refuse to be a single mother, a divorced woman, I feel like an anomaly in fact. I was born to be a married woman to the father of my children during 50 years, not 10.

I know the first response you’ll give me is “why not just accept these feelings and experience them for now”, but I find this disassociation so disturbing. I don’t really love him anymore but I miss him, he’s not good for me but I want him, etc.

Sorry if this is confusing.
Thank you!