Do I really want my impossible goal?

First off, confession: I have indulged in so much overwhelm and confusion around my impossible goal that even after “deciding” I am still wondering if it was a good choice. I don’t exactly love my reasons for choosing the goal I did. It was definitely an “I SHOULD have this goal” kind of choice…
Here is the goal I decided on: I will have 10 paid coaching clients by December 31st, 2020. I will know this has been achieved because I will have received payment from ten different people and I will have at least 10 scheduled coaching sessions on the calendar (one for each client).

Here is the drama: I don’t really desire to own my own business. In fact, my ultimate dream is to work for TLCS which I am already on my way to achieving. I am open to seeing my own clients on the side at some point in the future, but my main focus is serving the school and getting VERY familiar with SCS.
So why did I choose 10 paid clients as an IG? Because I think I should. I think that as long as I am not officially employed by TLCS I ought to be coaching for money. And it would require me to do things that I am terrified to do (like make offers) which would build my resilience and confidence.
But my brain keeps going back and forth between: “You don’t even want this” and “You should want this and the only reason you don’t is because you’re a coward.”

Super fun stuff going on up there yeah?

So all of this has kept me in confusion and I have not yet fully leaped into this month’s work with both feet. I am still believing my thought that “I didn’t pick the right goal.”

Anything you could offer would be much appreciated! xoxo