Don’t allow myself to feel love

I just had a realization that I don’t allow myself to feel love – like the feeling of love in my body. I tend to block it… I allow myself to cognitively love and like people, but block the feelings of love. I may be even afraid to feel love and when I begin to entertain the thought that I could let myself feel love towards someone specific, my immediate thought is “No no no – there’s no need for that and I don’t want to.”

Ironically, I find I do this the most with the people I am the closest with. Whyyyy? Where do I start even beginning the process of letting myself feel love? I think I’m at the point where I want to want to feel it but don’t actually want to feel it. 🙈