Sorry about my English, I am from Germany and hope I can explain well enough.
I am already 27 and don’t have anything „completed“. I started some courses at university (medicine, psychology and one that aims to work with „special needs“ people) but didn’t finish either one of them. Before that (after school) I have been to a country in Eastern Africa for one year as a volunteer.
Each time I decided against the course at uni, it was because I fell into a depression. One time with heavy suicidal thoughts until the point of turning myself into a clinic.
One year ago I decided to stop trying to find my way inside this kind of „system“, because as you can see – it makes me depressed. I have a strong sense for meaning in life and I felt like uni (in Germany) is just talking but not about really thinking about if this all makes sense. So I get frustrated and angry because so many people need help, the environment is telling us to stop continuing with what we are doing and still – politics are getting more crappy and in uni it’s not about real problems – it’s about imaginative „problems“ that are only happening in the big heads of white old men. Non-relevant.
So one year ago I decided against all that – to do my own stuff, like writing books, paint, maybe find a way into a coaching industry like this one and eventually help people that are willing to be helped – instead of forcing help on to people that don’t even want it (like it’s taught in some topics at uni).
I felt so happy and good, started to write and everything felt finally at ease. I read about people who didn’t finish uni or similar educations and still were/are successful.
I thought that it is possible to make a living off creativity and that it’s not crucial to have a „degree“ of some sort in the „normal kind of way“. I don’t know how to explain better because the system is very different to US education.
But then fear crept in. People telling me, that I am already very old for not even having a „bachelor“ or at least a „blue collar training“.
Since then I am feeling like going back to the „depression-mindset“, seeing the negative everywhere and that there is no meaning to life if we have to do things only because we have to survive but don’t thrive. I mean I like „helping“, but every time I try it, I fall back into this hopelessness. Maybe because of what I experienced in east-Africa, I don’t know.
Now I am torn between 1) what can I do to make a living? Anything.. I just don’t know what to do/where I can see myself and 2) I should follow my instincts and be creative and trust that the future will have ideas on how to make a living off that.
At night I have ideas, but in the mornings everything seems just so out of reach and meaningless, that I don’t find energy to even get up. Most of the time I just sleep, binge-eat or feel regret for having wasted so many years not completing anything and now being almost 30 with no idea what to do.
I am sorry, it has been a very long explanation.
As you can see, I don’t really know what my problem is… but I just feel too stuck to trust myself with anything anymore. It’s like a blank page and no idea. But the page is my life. On one hand I have many ideas but against that is always: creativity doesn’t pay and we all have to live. And then, thinking about possible courses I could take, I find sooooo many BUTS because I know the system well enough now, to know it will propel me back to that hopelessness.
Can you help in any way?
Sorry.