The thoughts are pouring in doing the daily downloads!
I realized (after all these years) why I don’t talk with my mom about anything personal (relationships) or my feelings. To this day I feel like I wasn’t able to discuss my emotions because she would get so wrapped up in how she felt about the situations that it felt like I wasn’t being heard.
Ex. My dad and I are estranged (have been since I was 13). Mom would ask me how I felt about it, but then would proceed to talk about how angry she was with him for not taking responsibility, etc. I quickly got to a place where 1.) I felt like I had to protect my moms feelings, so I couldn’t share mine, and 2.) her feelings took precedence over mine since it didn’t really feel like she was genuinely interested in how I felt and just used it as an opportunity to become even more angry with my dad. I would have liked for her to hear my feelings and then have comforted me with compassion (ex. I’m so sorry that things have turned out the way they have), and instead of just getting angry. It really feels like she steals my platform, to go on her own spiel.
At this point I recognize that the thoughts I think about the relationship with my mom don’t serve me. However, I’m not sure that I want to or even should trust her again.
I guess I do want to trust her with those areas of my life but at the same time past experience has taught me that she can’t be trusted. I want the trust to be on my terms – which includes her not hijacking the convo – which I know its impossible because I can’t control other peoples behavior.
How do I even move forward?