I have a very challenging relationship with one of my stepkids. I feel guilty about it. I think I should be loving and accepting, but I’m not. He makes my life very hard. He lives with us because he can’t get along with his mom’s husband, so she won’t let him live there. I feel angry and that I don’t have a choice, although I know I do. By choosing to be with my husband, I’m also choosing to have his kids be part of my life. I feel very resentful, and the truth is, I want to feel resentful. I don’t really want to choose a better feeling thought, because the situation just isn’t fair. Why do I have to be the bigger person and put up with him when his own mom can’t?
Now that my whining is out of the way…..
T: I resent him.
F: Guilt and shame.
A: Passive-aggressive behavior toward him and my husband.
R: Strained relationships and lack of harmony in our home.
T: I choose to be with my husband, so I also choose his son.
F: Anger. [Same actions and result as above.]
T: I will show up as my best self.
F: Resentful that I have to fix a situation I didn’t cause. [same result]
Right now I’m dealing with it by just trying to ignore him and let my husband handle him, but that just causes all the anger and resentment to fester inside me.
Can you help me come up with some other thoughts that will have a better result? It doesn’t make sense, but I feel that I lose somehow if I’m the one that gives in and creates a better relationship with him. I also know I can’t control his behavior and can only control mine, but I feel very taken advantage of and don’t see a way out.