I don’t want to feel this.

I’ve always been the outcast of my family. The messed up part about it is that I’ve always wanted to feel like I belonged in it. I’m SO different than them. They’re all very corporate and I’ve always been the creative one….or as they call it, “the flighty” one. So, I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong.

I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself for some reason, tonight has me tears. My nephew came home today, I didn’t know about it until he was here. They wanted to take family pictures, no one told me until I happened to call my mother 2 hours before it was supposed to happen and she casually mentioned it. I wonder if I wouldn’t have called, would I even know now.

My feelings are hurt. I’ve never felt like I mattered to them. I thought I accepted this and made sure I began to matter to me. I’m beginning to matter to me now.

I want to let go of wanting to matter to them. I want to matter to myself so much, that it no longer phases me if I don’t feel like I matter to them.

I’m in the swirls of it right now and I’m stuck. This is what I came up with. C-I’m not included initially. T-I don’t matter to them. F-hurt, devalued, invisible A-I don’t want to be around them R-I’m alone and feeling like I don’t matter to them. I don’t know if it’s because this just happened and I’m in the pain right now, but nothing is coming to me but wanting to matter to them.

What can I think? How can I begin to make the decision to allow it to affect me?