Don’t want to be here

Every time I go to work, I want to leave it.  I am in an extreme hurry.  I don’t know what I feel.  I just don’t want to be here anymore.  There are many thoughts about work which I don’t like and any of those thoughts can trigger that feeling of wanting to run away.  I seriously believe it is better at home.

I want to work as it gives me money.  But I don’t want to be here because I think I’m getting judged, I don’t like how I act, I fear I will do something wrong, I fear I will be hated.  The only reason I want to work is because they give me money.  But I can’t handle other humans at work.  There are so many people and so many expectations. I want to run away again.

C:  full time job as a physician working in day and night shift allotted by the hospital
T:  I don’t want to be here
F:  run??( I want to physically get up and leave)
A:  look at time, keep worrying about the number of patient to be seen, never fear the patients but fear judgement by colleagues, think they hate me, ruminate over a judgement made by someone over me
R:  I am not present

I want to be present when I come to work. But the mind drama takes over. It’s so unconscious. I keep spinning in it the whole shift.