doubt and pride


Hi Brooke.
I feel really silly asking this, but it’s been in my mind for a while now so here it is: I’ve been going back and forth between self pride (the good kind, not the puffed up kind) and self doubt about my work in this program. Historically, I have been a very negative thinker. I spent the last two years working diligently on self care, acceptance, and love which gave me the foundation I needed to begin this work with you. (They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will come. I love this!) Anyway, the whole time I’ve been in SCS, the pride has been in the thought that I am rocking this! I am doing all the work and seeing all kinds of thing that I’ve never seen before and life has been great! I have become so positive! It’s awesome. The doubt is coming from the thoughts that I am not using all of the tools like I should. I am not running models by you. I am not volunteering to be coached live. I have not used a 10 minute tutoring session. On the one hand, I think that I should be doing these things but on the other hand I don’t have a problem to present. The problems that have come up for me have been minor and I’ve been able to work through them without help. It seems so silly that this thing I am typing right now is my only problem! What!? Where are all my problems? It makes me think that maybe I am fooling myself, or missing something. Then I think, that’s just my brain trying to create drama because there is no real drama there. It’s just weird not having any problems and being able to think so positively so quickly when anything does come up. I’m not used to it, and my brain wants to tell me that I am missing valuable help by not asking for more help. It’s kind of annoying.

So the reason I bring it up now is because when I did my homework today, I questioned the validity of my unintentional vs intentional model. The feeling line on them is very different, but the action and result lines are the same and it feels like the negative feeling should not have the same action and result as the positive feeling but yet that is exactly the truth of how the day went and how things have been going most of the time over the last two months. I would like your thoughts on it. Here they are:

C: Most of my clothes still fit even though I’ve lost 47 lbs
unintentional model
T: I wanted most of it to be to big
F: disappointed
A: stay on protocol
R: continue to lose so they will eventually be to big

intentional
T: they will be to big this winter
F: content
A: stay on protocol
R: continue to lose weight so they will eventually be to big

This is how its been going for me the whole time I’ve been in here. The unintentional model (the one I actually experienced at the time) has a positive action and outcome even though the thought is negative and the intentional has the same action and result, just with a better thought and feeling. So I don’t know if I am just surprisingly good at managing my mind right now and having both positive and negative thoughts practically at the same time or if I am fooling myself that I am doing the work correctly.
Thank you.
Karen