Drama around Food

Hi Brooke,

I just love you and am so grateful for everything you do! Here is the story I am telling myself. I have struggled with food for 20 years. I’ve been bulimic, and dealt with cycles of resisting and allowing urges to varying degrees. In the last year, I discovered Jody Moore and joined her program. Through her, I discovered Brenda Lomeli, and cut out flour and sugar, and ended a cycle of daily binging and purging. I was STOKED. I was even on Brenda’s podcast as a success story. I finally felt control over my life for the first time in my life and it felt so good! This was just recently in November 2017. I lost 20 lbs and was down to 96 lbs at my lowest (I’m 5’1″). I wanted to go through coach training, but my brain and my husband told me no. I have 3 kids and went back and forth about whether it was the “right time,” (I know) and finally landed on not now. I decided to focus on being the best mom I can be to my kids and stopped focusing so much on myself. I started drinking a ton of diet soda and compulsively chewing sugarless gum in an effort to quiet urges. I started eating way too many almonds too. Over Spring Break, I took my kids (without my husband) to my parents’ house and freaked out. I didn’t plan, and didn’t eat anything. I was irritated with my kids and didn’t process that. I was stressed about food, my kids, being with my parents, all the drama I created about drinking so much soda. My husband then tells me he wants to buy a business, while keeping his job that keeps him away a ton. He brings his stress home, and I am left to deal with an 18 month old who is super clingy and getting 8 teeth, a 4 1/2 year old who is testing the limits and an emotional 8 year old. I want to just focus on my mental health, as I know that is the most important thing, but life is getting in the way. (Haha)! But seriously though. I’m clinging to my buffers, and all I want to do is binge and purge tonight while my husband is away. I feel like I’m white knuckling life and I really want to rewind to feeling in control and free again. I feel like a failure now and have created all this drama again about how I am worthless. My brain is telling me I told you so about how I couldn’t figure this darn food thing out. I feel like I have to start all over now, feeling like ass again, as I did when I first went off flour and sugar. I am telling myself I am a mess and my confidence is down the tubes again. I just joined Scholars this month (April) and am definitely feeling like I am in the right place, but am struggling with what to do first. I am telling myself that I am a lost cause. My marriage is a mess and I am a mess. My husband and I don’t have a great relationship. But I know I need to start with the drama I have around food. Here is what I am eating lately.
9 am- 5 black olives
11 am- 2 eggs, 1/4 cup spinach, 1/2 cup broccoli, 1/4 avocado and tons of salsa
3 pm- 4 oz ground turkey with 1 cup veggies
9 pm- giant salad with 8 oz chicken and 1 cup veggies

I’m back to eating most of my food after the kids go to bed bc I’m afraid of being hungry at night bc that is when I binged and purged before. I was 122 back in November and am at 101 today. I see the scale creeping back up and my brain is telling me to give up and that I am just going to get fat. I’ve been 143 before. I feel like I’ve let myself down. I know I need to work on my compelling reason. I want to be an example to my kids and want to end all this drama around food for good. Sorry this is so long. Help! I just want out of this.