I’ve been applying the model work to my relationship with my husband, and it has helped me stay so calm and notice his models many times when he is upset about things. I know what he is feeling right now, since I was in that situation before I quit my job last August. He feels stuck in a job he hates and feels there would be absolutely nothing better he could do. (which may or may not be true). He took this new position as the Engineer Manager of one of the TSC’s in the state of MI which means many people would say or think he has a fabulous job and income. Not him…he regrets he ever took it. I try to tell him he can choose to have better thoughts about his job, but practically speaking he just doesn’t see it happening.
Since I quit my job in August, we gave up my salary and benefits (I worked for a university) which were the best I had ever had in my career as a CPA. I quit because of a lot of things…which may have been intermixed with grief and confusion about the purpose for my life after my son had died 4 1/2 years earlier of suicide (I am the coach who asked the niche question about women who lost their children to suicide)….so if I had your coaching back then things may have gone much better around the time I decided to quit. But, I don’t feel guilt or shame or blame. I’m determined to make this coaching thing work.
Here’s his issue with me: I quit my job, started an accounting type online business, but my soul had something different to say. I got a nudge to write a book, wrote and published it in 90 days, felt absolutely guided to write it, and from that experience got this huge calling to coach others around their bad stuff…very cathartic.
I had already poured my business startup money and gotten a few clients, etc in the accounting membership thing….so my husband got frustrated when I now decided I needed to quit that to pursue coaching. (I was in your S&J mastermind when you were working on the SO course….weird:))
Anyhow…I see his point, but feel committed and determined and know I could help people. I’ve had 5 coaching clients so far….and have 4 engagements lined up to give talks and lead workshops this fall. I am working hard on networking right now and finding places where I can get in front of actual people to talk about my story and spread the word about my coaching.
In the meantime, I’ve put over $10K (in the last year) on a cc for my business. All that “startup” for online stuff….and hiring coaches and programs to help figure it all out. My husband is super concerned (which I get). I have worked so much on my mindset with your work and the “Ask and it is Given” book and tapping. I can see and feel my future self and my future business so clearly that I’m not at all attached to the debt. My future self says it was totally worth it to invest that money right now to be living the life we are living in the future.
Given all that…I’m working on staying committed and motivated and positive about things while taking major action; while my husband is every day concerned about how we are going to pay back the debt, how much more debt we are going to get into, and hating going to his job each day, and complaining about it constantly to me.
I’m trying to be appreciative of his view of things without “getting in the pool” with him….like you have said before. But, how can I keep my mindset positive, do the work, and show him my plan (which I’ve talked about with him many times in different ways…he’s an engineer) and not get really stressed over what he’s saying and doing?
He told me last night too that he’s worried that someone new will come along and “speak my language” and I will just run off with them. It’s silly….we have been married 26 years this August, have 4 children, lost one to suicide, and have never had an “affair” type problem in our marriage. We’ve gone through a shit ton of stuff and are still committed to being together so I still can’t understand his fear that I’m leaving.
Sorry….this is getting long. My big thing is trying to get clarity on how to deal with his fears while I keep my mind clarified over what needs to happen to get to 100K by the end of May (which is the first goal I made) so I can prove to myself and to him that this is totally doable. I understand I don’t have to do it in order to accept myself…I love and accept myself already without having made the 100K. And I am committed to growing and learning and becoming the person I need to be to make that. And I totally support myself in my business. I have one large accounting client who I just started working for a couple months ago that I know is providing and will provide more of the foundational money support I need in order to pay for this startup work.
I see the vision, my husband doesn’t get it. He just can’t wait to be able to quit his job and go golfing and fishing the rest of his life (we are only 47 right now). I don’t understand that desire…I want to create things and serve people. But anyway…that’s another conversation.
How would you coach that I use a model to deal with my husband? I try doing models on him in our conversations…and sometimes he listens. I know you should ask someone if they want to be coached, so I feel like I shouldn’t be doing models on him either. Now I just sound confused. Sorry for all the drama around this! He is very unhappy. And I try to stay happy while still letting him know I hear him.
Thanks Brooke! I really appreciate it, and hope you can make some sense about everything that I know sounds like a lot of drama.