Dreams vs. Family


I wanted to have a coaching call on this, but I’ve just joined and it’s November 3rd. I need to make a decision soon, so I hope you could help me here. I’m thankful for this alternative and I’ll try to be concise, but also as clear as possible.

My question is, what if I need to choose between my dreams or my parents? A part of me still refuses to accept that. Like, still asking if maybe I could have both? But on the other hand, I can’t see how.

My dream is to be able to inspire and help people embrace who they truly are and reach their dreams. In order to do that, one of the things that I’d do is sharing my life’s stories. If I share my life’s stories, I can’t exclude the fact that I’m gay because it’s relevant to a lot of the events in those stories.

My parents are anti-gay. It’s totally understandable and I don’t have any negative feelings about that because they live in Indonesia. It’s illegal there and people even use the fact that they’re anti-gay to get elected. I’m in Canada now but I need to make a decision whether I should stay in Canada or go back to Indonesia.

The most common comment on this is “if your parents really love you, they’ll eventually accept you”. This isn’t the case because they see it the other way around. Because my mom loves me so much, she wouldn’t give up on helping me get back to the “right” way. She doesn’t want me to go to hell, so if she accepts this “sin”, then she’ll feel that she isn’t being a good mother. Yes, they’re very Christian and yes, these are her own words, not my own thoughts.

Another common comment on this is “don’t your parents want you to be happy?” No. To them, it’s much more important to be right than happy. Typical Asian culture. And of course, according to their definition of “right” and being gay isn’t.

I have no interest in changing their opinions or beliefs, although I’d be grateful if they do. I know that’s out of my control and I’ve accepted that. This is not about that. Aside from this issue, our relationship is good, which makes this difficult for me to decide. I can only see these 2 options:

• Stay in Canada, become a speaker to share my stories, publish my book, and so on. This decision would ruin my relationship with my parents. So, I’m thinking to myself, if I choose this, should I just accept this and live with it? Like, if I feel sad or something, I could just use the model to shift my feelings. Do my best to be happy and focus on my dreams, despite my relationship with my parents. But, is this the right way to pursue my dreams? Is there right or wrong, though?

• Go back to Indonesia, start a new business venture with my parents, have a close relationship with my parents and brothers, but stay single. I’m thinking to myself, if I might be happy anyway and without costing me my family, then it would be great, right? I don’t want to get married and have kids, anyway. So, maybe I could still be happy in Indonesia? But if I did that, I wouldn’t contribute to the world what I could’ve contributed. What about those people that I could’ve helped?

I wonder if you can see another possible option? Because maybe I’m just too close. If not, how would you suggest me to process or approach this? I’m not sure how the model would help because this is the current situation and I’m not trying to change my thoughts, feelings, or results. The question still remains, should I let go of my family or my dreams?

Thank you so much!