I wrote you a week ago about binge drinking. I have been using the idea of expanding my urge and thinking a lot about how the idea of scarcity effects my thinking around drinking. I realized that drinking is a way for me to comfort myself when I don’t feel loved, like a pacifier or a bottle for a baby. Since I started this program, my father has become ill and is now in hospice. For most of this time, I have been able to control my drinking in ways that I could not imagine before starting and I know that this is the right path for me and this opportunity is especially poignant because I used drinking to deal with the loss of my partner a few years ago. I found out two nights ago that my dad is in the final stages of his life. I tried to resist going and buying a bottle of wine but in the end I spent the next two nights drinking wine like I used to do. I paid a lot of attention to what my mind was telling me and physical sensations. I often feel very strong sensations in my arms and chest when I am having an urge but these physical sensations were not there or they were not as strong. In fact there was a big part of me that did not even WANT to drink but there was this authoritarian, non-negotiable voice that kept saying “You can’t do this without wine, period. Just not happening. Shut up and go get the wine.” I tried to model it out but the voice felt so definitive and at the same time I could feel a large part of my body and mind saying “what up, you don’t really want to do this.” I know this authoritarian bully voice is just a thought but do I argue with it or try and reason with it or just sit with it? Is this the time to think about all the reasons I don’t want to drink or is there another way to move through this?
thank you.