I have had a few periods in my life when my struggle with food and weight have vanished. During those times I was willing and able to allow all my emotions, stay very connected with myself and feel passion for life. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, enjoyed food, but didn’t overdesire food and effortlessly arrived at what must be my natural weight which was quite thin. My self-confidence was high.
It’s been two years since that last grace period and my self-confidence is very low. I’ve gained 15 lbs (still within a normal weight range, but in my head, I’m obese and I severely limit what I do because of body shame.) I’m trying to control my eating and not doing it very well I’m in a restrict-overeat cycle. Even when I manage to eat on plan, I don’t feel free.

I have always suspected that the way out of this misery is to try to take the focus away from food and body like what happened naturally in the past when I was able to stop thinking about it and feel my feelings. I want to lose weight but am I buffering with trying to lose weight??

It’s like I wait to start living until I can lose weight, but I only seem to lose weight when I start living.

I’m trying to figure out dares to do and making them all about food, like skipping dinner or doing thought downloads before and after dinner. (Haven’t fully succeeded yet.) Should I get away from focusing on food control? I’m telling myself I’m constraining my focus around stopping overeating, but it’s like the more I focus on that, the worse it gets. Should I be making dares like wearing shorts in public with my body the way it is right now? Honestly, there is no f’ing way I can do that! Is that what I need to do??? It just sounds traumatizing, like asking for a major shame attack. Thoughts??