This is a very embarrassing issue I have but I desperately need some help with it. I figured I would go ahead and ask it since maybe by the Grace of God it may help me or someone else.
I snore when I sleep. I always have. When my husband and I first got married 3 years ago, it was an absolute unexpected disaster. You see, he is one of those skinny dudes who is an extremely light sleeper and I weigh 260 pounds. Even the first night I spent the night with him I kept him up all night. Rather than feeling the “magical bliss” that all engaged couples feel, my first morning with him was me crying in total embarrassment.
During the past 3 years we have been married, we have been off and on sleeping in separate bedrooms. Most of the time I sleep in the spare bedroom while he sleeps in the master (I coordinated this, not him). Nobody knows this about us and I have never told anyone due to embarrassment. I’ve made Josh swear not to tell a single soul about how we sleep.
After doing a thought download about this, I realized that I’m filled with so much shame about this that it is hindering my self love practice. Yes, I am losing weight at this time so hopefully someday I will quit snoring and we can sleep in the same bedroom. Right now I need to deal with what all I have made this mean.
C: I sleep in the spare bedroom because Josh can’t handle my snoring.
T: * I am a terrible wife and don’t deserve a husband.
* How could he really love me even when he says he does?
*I am a fat slob and this is what I deserve.
* How could you let yourself get this bad?
* We do not have a normal marriage thanks to me.
* I’m definitely a slob woman because usually its the man who is a gross slob, not the woman.
F: devastation, isolation.
R: Never comes out of shame storm or loves myself through any of this.
Josh loves me very much. I only know this because he would be so sad if I died.
But right now I do not love myself at all when I think of this scenario. All I can do is cry and hate on myself.
Can you think of any other way to look at this even if its neutral?
Right now all of the thoughts I listed are extremely true to me. So true in fact that my heart aches when I read them.
I know that they weight is coming off now, but I must clean this shit up asap. I’ve tormented myself long enough to say the least.
Thank you so much.